Cultivating My Inner “So What?”
September 19th, 2008
Sometimes when I am trying to understand what my kids need I have these insights into my own needs, and it can be so startling.
Take my five year old. Lately it’s felt like it’s impossible to discipline him because when he’s done something wrong he get so upset at the idea that I might be angry that all of the energy I want to spend on the message about what is and is not acceptable behavior is diverted, instead, into reassuring him that it’s ok, I still love him. If I respond with any tinge of emotion to anything he’s done wrong, be it pushing a brother, getting in trouble at school, or not responding to three or four requests that he pick up/get dressed for school/come out to practice/get ready for bed his face just crumples heartbreakingly. And part of my brain gets more frustrated feeling like this is a little manipulative, that he is trying to divert me from consequences. But then, I also believe he can be so distraught at the tone of my voice that he cannot hear what I am saying to him.
I know in a perfect world, I would manage always to be perfectly matter-of-fact and gentle in my interactions with him, but parenting is stressful, sometimes, and the stress shows, and none of his brothers is so sensitive to my mood, so I wonder if I cannot help him to develop a little bit of a barrier. I want him to understand he’s responsible for his behavior, of course, but that if people around him get upset, he’s still safe. He should make right what he can, but most of the things that are troublesome are impulse control, not any sort of “badness,” which I realize with a sort of “duh” reaction, especially when I think about him being a kid, it being his job not to know everything already. Even how to control all of his impulses.
The funny thing as I meditate on this child, this problem, of course, is that it seems to parallel a realization that I need to cultivate my own inner “so what?” (Ask this not in a defensive or angry voice but with a genuinely curious tone.) Raven learned early in our marriage that I would hear the gentlest, constructive suggestion as harsh criticism, and even over time, I learned to smile tightly and nod “Thank you for trying to help me with that…” but he would find me brooding over it hours later. I can turn the look in the teacher’s eye “Can I talk to you?” into extensive investigations into my adequacy as a parent, a disagreement with my husband into a sign our marriage is doomed, silence in the comments section as a sign my writing is unreadable.
But I think if I had just a little chance to ask myself “So what?” I would be forced into an inner dialogue that goes something like,
“I made a mistake!”
“So what?”
“My imperfect edges are showing!”
“So what?”
“I expect all love to be promptly withdrawn now that it’s apparent I am really not lovable.”
(and if my inner rational voice didn’t point out that that imperfect is not the same as unlovable, and besides, this is a little unlikely given all prior evidence but instead kept to the script…)
“So what?”
“So we’re one step closer to dying alone, unemployable, overweight, with only the cat to discover my body.”
“So what?”
And as I take “So what?” out to the furthest edges of these chains, I realize that there is some unconditional part of who I am that would still be okay under even in the worst situation I can imagine for myself, that my value is not how other people are seeing me.
My five year old is not going to be able to respond to “Mommy’s mad at me!” with “So what?” of course, but I think I am going to try to start giving him the, yes, external validation, that I do in a form that maybe emphasizes his value as a person not lying in pleasing me.
.
September 20th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Hum. This is in fact, just what I need to be reading at the moment. After a particularly embarrassing meltdown on my part yesterday, and Eric’s reassurances that yes, our kids are normal, I feel like I need a healthy dose of “so what” attitude in my life right now. Time to step back, loosen up, and open up to new perspectives.
September 21st, 2008 at 11:08 am
K***n (are you out there K****n?) used to be my “so what?” voice for me, back before I had any inkling of how valuable being able to say that was. I would call with my latest crisis and, while enumerating each of my fears, she would say something like “and then what?”, taking each fear to its worst case scenario. It used to really make me mad, at least until we got around to the logical conclusion of my fears and I realized that generally the worst case scenario didn’t involve death - I might not like it but I could live with it. Left to my own devices, though, I have a hard time remembering to do that.
I wonder how it would work to play a modified version of the “so what” game with our kids? Hmm… I just thought that one out and realized maybe not! We’ll have to talk that one through on the phone…
September 21st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Ahh, I have a lot I want to say, but am migraine-ing after two very long days and can not put two sentences together. So really I’m commenting here to let you know “I hear you.”
Learning to accept the seemingly unacceptable (which usually meant “me”!) has almost literally saved my life.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:30 am
Just got back, not even time to read this properly (only thinking already about the DBT’s suggestion that my then-partner and I have to ask each other TWICE if we really wanted feedback, and not to give it otherwise)…but I *must* comment that from henceforth I too will always pretend I am meticulously cleaning up the scene of a heinous crime whenever I have to do the hoovering. Love!
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:33 am
PS to Jenny–you know Mandarin and I have played this game for years, we call it “the fears game” and it always concludes dramatically: “And then…and then I’ll fall down on the floor and then I’ll DIE!” at which point we dissolve into giggles–often teary giggles, but giggles nonetheless.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:17 am
PPS I’m at school check it out!
http://www.depauw.edu/sfs/backissues/61/broderick61art.htm
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I let this reading ruminate for a while before settling on Bhagavad Gita 4:16-17
“What is action? What is inaction? Even the wise are puzzled by this question. Therefore, I will tell you what action is. When you know that, you will be free from all impurity.”
“You must learn what kind of work to do, what kind of work to avoid, and how to reach a state of calm detachment from your work. The real nature of action is hard to understand.”
I am such a gita junkie…
Is the inner “so what” a little like finding the “the inaction that is in action, and the action that is in inaction”? I guess I kinda thought so, though the word that brought me to this particular reading was, of course, detachment.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I forgot to say this the first time (luckily I got pulled back in by the comments) but I happen to love your imperfect edges.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Oh, Jenny, thank you for helping me have the courage to face my imperfect edges, and we do need a phonecall soon.
Of course this is about detachment, it’s just that whenever I try to be detached it’s like trying to stand on the corner and not think about polar bears… trying NOT to do something is consistently challenging to me. The nature of inaction and everything.
And I like the Broderick, the apocalypse is not the frontier, it’s Easter! Take out the unacceptable parts of this world and start with a blank slate! I think he almost arrives at the question I had just gotten to, when the idea that the Carl Sagan refrain of “If we don’t blow ourselves up” is just a little quaint because now we expect that the world could end by means of so many different mechanisms that each day we get through seems like a small miracle. Particle accelerators gone awry , bioterrorism, asteroids hitting the earth, bird flu more deadly than the 1918 pandemic, the disruption of food distribution networks, economic collapse, the depletion of energy sources… Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Must get on that flow chart!
September 26th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I just got a phone call from Georgia’s kindergarten teacher letting me know that she is having some “issues” at school. She didn’t notify me at first, thinking that maybe it was just the transition with the new baby and that the behavior would resolve itself, but unfortunately the behavior has now escalated to scratching and biting the other children and of course “something must be done”. After the initial embarrassment of feeling like I had been called to the principle’s office wore off, I was tempted - SO tempted - to reply to her “So what?”
Makes licking the other children seem downright friendly.