Competition and Camaraderie

<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/12223835@N08/2506410140″ title=”View ‘Competition’ on Flickr.com”>So there are toy catalogues sent to parents like me — that is, somewhat crunchy parents who embrace peace and non-violence, and spend money on our children as if that can shape their values. These catalogues have page after page of toys with fair trade stamps, toys tested for lead paint, toys that challenge assumptions about gender and promote open-ended and imaginative and problem-solving play. There is never anything plastic or Fisher-Price in the whole catalogue. And inevitably there are board games that bear no resemblance to Candyland or Chutes and Ladders because they are “collaborative” rather than “competitive.”

If you have ever watched a three year old devastated because his five year old brother beat him at a board game, you might decide that competitive is bad. And I have issues with competition, thinking that the competitive aspect of playing violin in a youth symphony did something to suck the joy out of it for me, put anxiety where I didn’t need anxiety, made me listen for other people’s mistakes so I could feel better about myself.

I even came up with this theory (and even blogged about it in December) that what drives competition is a perception of scarcity. There can be only one first place, there are only so many chairs in an orchestra, there are only so many applicants accepted to this school or that program… What seemed to be at stake, I suspected, when my kids were in competition with one another was not just the feeling of being the winner, but also parental love. So if they felt competitive with one another, I must be doing something wrong as a parent setting them up against each other, making them believe there wasn’t enough love to go around! When Aodán was out of town for a week Xander happily told me he was basking in 33.3% of my attention rather than a measly 25%, so it was good for him. And I had thought there was plenty of me to go around…

So I was pretty anti-competition. And then I was having a conversation with Sarah of Cafe Mama (I do have other friends, I swear, it’s just that they aren’t all so easy to link to!) a month or two ago and she shocked me by saying, and forgive the paraphrase, that she was all about the competition. She had run and coached runners, and competition in her book, was a good thing. And because I respect Sarah so much and adore her thoughtfulness and carefully considered values, I’ve been reevaluating my position on competition.

The first thing I realized is that if you like who you are and are happy being yourself, running a race and finding out somebody else runs faster than you is not likely to crush your spirit. Also, that when you’re competitive over something expressive, like violin playing, writing, or painting, you can take judgements of technique seriously (or not) and that doesn’t mean that the expression doesn’t have an entirely separate value. Third, I was surprised to realize that I have all of these fears of competition that are not about losing but about winning and alienating people, about losing friends to envy, which actually, is short-changing my friends and their capacity for generosity. I tend to keep quiet when I am proud of something which deprives them of the of the opportunity to celebrate with me, and friendships which are only about commiseration are out of balance.

I’ve spent my life defining myself as non-athletic, and only came into a happier appreciation of my body and what it can do through yoga and natural childbirth. I blamed that on competition, I think, unfairly. To be out pushing myself on my bicycle feeling the fierce joy of pedaling as hard as I can, I wouldn’t mind the camaraderie of a friend to challenge me to push harder, race faster. My sons are starting to also define themselves by their not playing sports, but I realize that I don’t want my boys to shrink from sport when there are in fact, deep joys to be had there. I am not ready to sign myself up for hours of sitting on a soccer field in the sun, my ideal sports experience for them would have no parental involvement except a ride here and there, I wish that there were kids in the neighborhood and pick-up games happening informally after school. But I want to stay open to the sports experience for them, and in the mean time, pull out the board games where there are winners and losers and help us all practice the grace of having fun while winning and losing.