February 20th, 2008
You know the blog is neglected when the phone starts ringing, people checking, since you haven’t posted in a while, that you’re ok.
I am. Ok, I mean.
It’s just — February. It’s rawness and in this week when spring seems almost within reach, you want to tread carefully. February is so brief, so fast, that all life seems much too much of a flash, and I find myself reducing life to what absolutely has to be done.
Like making Valentine’s day cards.
I apparently have recovered sufficiently from two years ago when Xander’s first grade teacher assigned as his homework in December a handmade card for each classmate and in February a handmade valentine for each classmate, with a cheery note about cocoa and craftiness and enjoying our kids, which was just not how things played out with a three year old unspooling all the ribbon and the six month old crawling through the glitter and trying to put scissors in his mouth. But this year? When my increasingly media savvy kids ask “What’s Scooby Doo have to do with Valentine’s Day?” and take pride in the handmade-ness of their cards, when the older three each designed their own lino stamp and Aodán even carved his own, helping me print them out 
and Søren lit up picking a unique one out for each classmate, burbling about how “This is a holiday to celebrate love and everyone is going to be kind” with a Charlie Brown poignancy, it was completely worth it.
But, yeah, that was a week ago and doesn’t explain the silence since then. My parents 
came and we spent a lovely President’s Day Weekend enjoying sunshine and mild weather and cooking together, visiting the Columbia River gorge 
and even the OHSU tram just south of downtown 
.
But, honestly, that is not why I haven’t written. I have been with my family and still sneaked away to write. No, I’ve been blank, unsure of what to say. After I took my parents to the airport yesterday morning I came home and crawled into bed and slept most of the day away, letting Raven be responsible for the whole house and there was something almost poetically right that I have this cold that had reduced my voice to hoarse croakiness.
And this morning I woke ready to be here again, ready to parent my boys again, ready to write again. To write about how something flutters inside me when I see how impossibly small Søren is running across the schoolyard when I drop him off in the morning, dodging the clumps of older boys with their basketballs, obliviously missing the soccer ball caroming across the yard right behind him, and still, stopping every ten paces, to turn and wave at me one more time, a self-possession twice the size of his small body. To describe how there is this peculiar maternal solipsism that strains credulously at the notion that he who was once so tiny, so helpless is now so separate from me, has this reality completely separate from me, and, how this disbelieving part of me, on the other hand, knows that this is a doomed mother son romance where, in the middle of changing into his pajamas, he runs back into the dining room where I am sitting in order to show me ‘I love you Mom’ written in magic marker on his arm. That this affection must be turned elsewhere, that I’ll get nods of acknowledgement instead of the running full-tilt across the schoolyard to fling himself into a full-body hug when I come to pick him up at the end of the day, that I will, once again, have to learn to listen with a cool, respectful interest when he talks to me, without belying my own intense missing of his baby-self, to laugh when he tells jokes older than he is (than I am) as if I am hearing them for the first time. They don’t make valentines to express the welling up of a desperate need to just stop time a little as my children seem to go hurtling away from me. I feel I am watching a stop-motion film as they spring up around me, reminding me that I am getting older more quickly than I imagined I could, back when getting older seemed to promise respect and being sure of yourself all the time, and limitless freedom. They don’t make cards to catch the rightness of having the boys racing ahead of me on a trail, my parents holding hands, behind, and that middle-ness, that precariousness of this being a moment that perches there long enough for you to appreciate it, and then flies away.
February 9th, 2008
I hate when I finish a blog entry and get a couple comments and then realize what I didn’t mention, what I didn’t say and I am tempted to go back in my comments only that would really prove my long-windedness, no?
The disc jockey Raven was interviewed by before Ignite called the event “Attention Deficit Theater” and I noticed that line has been picked up, and what’s funny about that is that when Raven started to use Twitter I thought it was “Attention Deficit Blogging.” But I’ve since realized that it isn’t, any more than Haiku is “Attention Deficit Poetry.” What it is the theater, the communicating, the poetry of the essential.
Which brings me back to my current preoccupation with Twitter, and how for all of the technical difficulties the service has, I marvel at what it is, what it is like, and how it isn’t like other things I have experinced. I guess my initial misconceptions about Twitter were that one, it would be this solipsistic exercise, a yammering of different voices all clamoring exclusively about what each user was doing, and so I was surprised to see the connecting going on. Secondly and shamefully, I thought that if it could be expressed in 140 characters then it must not be worthy of expression. So wrong. Finally, I thought that if you reduced you would find the limiting produced homogeneity. Wouldn’t all of our two word memoirs be “Birth Death” or at three words, “Work Consume Die”? And instead it seems like the limits serve to free people from the unnecessary, that making every character count can make people very thoughtful. I don’t need to point out how this is analogous to the Ignite event do I?
So maybe what I was wondering yesterday with my first Brevity post (which I kept mercifully short actually instead of going through all of my random associations with What Brevity Means to Me) is if using Twitter could in the long run make me a better writer. Not that I would want it to be my only means of expressing myself. It feels like bowing exercises I do with my violinist and violist and cellist, we spend hours doing silly things to learn to control the bow, the speed and weight, things that don’t sound like music at all, doing races setting the bow at the tip, then the frog, then the tip, or splatters where we drop it on and let it bounce. And it’s useful, but not the only way we would want to practice. What is my point, six words?
Brevity has its place, but in moderation. It can get silly. In addition to my NPR podcast I listened to the NY Times Book Review podcast which mentioned a contest for ‘Pollanisms’ — in honor of Michael Pollan’s “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly vegetables,” the winning entry, by A.K., “Ate plants. A whole heap. Still hungry.”
Getting things into 140 characters is useful, but sometimes what I love to read circles around a point, or sets up an elaborate metaphor, weaves a motif in gently throughout a piece, lets the point come out gently and relief, lets you find it for yourself in a magic eye sort of out of focus meditation, which is hardly the journalistic clarity, the direct point made I do admire in other writing.
And this is what I was trying to find my way to saying on the phone today with a friend who thinks she is ready to start blogging, that there is no right way to do it, that there are endless degrees of editedness and spontaneity, of disclosure and concealment, of brevity and digression, and that there is almost a homeostatic, biological balance point you have to find where it serves you, or you will be unable to sustain your blog. It is MY blog, and I do experiment some, trying to find the place where it works best for me.
February 3rd, 2008
In which I learn all sorts of interesting things about Actorgirl, teacher, actor, blogger! You can check out her blog here. And there is still signing up to interview and be interviewed going on here, it is an interesting way to connect and if your blog inspiration is lagging a little lately, this could re-inspire you, because you KNOW you are that interesting (and as I write this the next person to sign up will get to be interviewed by my favorite blogger, the unreliable narrator.)
So, without further ado, I present you with my interview with the fabulous… Actorgirl!
Mara: I think it is so courageous to have a goal and write about it in your blog. Would you describe your life as you imagine it in five years in your best dreams?
Actorgirl: I would be living in NYC (second best city in the world, second only to London!), earning my living as an actor. And, even though I’ve done some film and television, my first love is the stage, so being in a Broadway show would be it!
Mara: Clearly your mom is important in your life. Could you tell us about her influence on the person you are today?
Actorgirl: She is my hero. Plain and simple. She fought the odds in a world in which a woman couldn’t even have her own CREDIT, and was prevented from following her own dreams (being a doctor or an attorney) because, “girls just don’t do that,” and was told by deans that girls simply didn’t GO to medical or law school, and she wouldn’t probably be admitted being a girl. So, she became a nurse and went into the Air Force!
She taught us to be independent, that we could do anything we wanted (or NEEDED!) to do. Even her parents were amazed at the things she was able to do– her response, “It had to be done, so I did it.” She raised us by herself, she designed 3 homes by herself, and supervised their construction.
And, most importantly, she taught us what we needed to know to be successful and independent, and then, however hard it might have been, she let us go and encouraged us to reach for our goals.
Mara: So here you are, straddling the worlds of teaching and acting. Do they ever come into conflict? How do you deal with it?
Actorgirl: Oh, CONSTANTLY! And it is difficult. I can justify taking a little bit of time off for a JOB, but it’s hard to justify and juggle for an AUDITION. The rule of thumb is that you will book one job for every 10 auditions. I have to admit, I’ve lost out on some auditions because of it, and most people will tell you that you can’t have a ‘day job’ and really be able to make it. But, most of us don’t have a choice, so we do what we can (and sometimes rail at the injustice of it!).
On the other hand, my kids are fascinated and LOVE to hear about it! 
Mara: What makes a student a favorite?
Actorgirl: Hmmm… this is a difficult one. I find myself drawn to the ‘troublemakers.’ And, even though they can frustrate me to no end, I will look at them and my heart will melt. What mostly will make a kid a favorite, though, is one who WILL NOT GIVE UP. I had one little girl who had had lead poisoning, which affected her short-term to long-term memory conversion. You’d teach her something, she’d have it, she would be so proud… and then she’d come in the next day and not be able to remember any of it– it was as if she’d never seen it before. And it frustrated her a GREAT deal. But, she NEVER gave up, she was the hardest worker I’ve ever met… and I would spend ANY amount of time with her to help her. If they don’t give up, no matter what their struggles are, I won’t either.
Mara: Why blog?
Actorgirl: I honestly have NO idea. I had never even READ a blog until a few months ago!!! I don’t even remember what led me to it, but suddenly, there was the screen that said, ‘create your own blog,’ so I did!! I guess I kinda thought it would be like a journal. I have continued (and grown addicted to quite a few blogs) because of the people I’ve ‘met.’
Mara: What are your favorite blogs to read?
Actorgirl: rosie.com, jason. for the love of god…, Don’t Get Me Started.
Mara: Do people in your life know you blog? How do they feel about it?
Actorgirl: Some of them know I HAVE a blog, but aren’t the slightest bit interested in reading it (not tech savvy), and most don’t know about it. I really started it for me, and it would be a bit hard to write some of what I do if I thought they’d see it.
Mara: What is the hardest thing about acting for you?
Actorgirl: PUTTING THE SCRIPT DOWN! Seriously. I am paranoid about forgetting lines, even in rehearsal… even when I don’t really NEED the script and don’t really use it, having it as a crutch is hard to give up. And yet, I KNOW you can’t really create the character until you do, so I just have to hope I have directors who say, “That’s it. Off book by…..” and stick to it. I tend to get very stuck on getting the words EXACTLY right, and I’ve been working on that– that the MEANING and the FLOW are more important than making sure the words are EXACTLY and COMPLETELY correct (except in Shakespeare!). When I do obsess, I tend to get choked and forget EVERYTHING, and that doesn’t work well.
Mara: What is the hardest thing about teaching for you?
Actorgirl: The PAPERWORK! And NCLB has been the WORST thing for education in decades. It seems we are constantly being barraged with more and more things to do, very few of which have ANYTHING to do with actual TEACHING. That seems to be the LAST thing on the list. Children are NOT factory products, but with NCLB, it seems that they (and we!) are expected to be…. and the kids who struggle the most are the ones who are supposed to make the most progress, but with only three categories (Basic, Proficient, Advanced), a kid can make all KINDS of progress and yet not enough to move to the next category– and therefore all theat work seems to be for nothing. Not to mention that it really doesn’t MATTER if you reach the Advanced category…. the only thing that matters is getting those Basic kids to Proficient.
Mara: Describe one of your best moments acting.
Actorgirl: The first commercial (technically the first professional job) I booked. I was ecstatic, jumping up and down on the phone. And when I got there, it was just as much fun as I had expected it to be. There happened to be several people in this commercial, and we had a great time. I had a blast doing the shoot, although I was REALLY nervous, and the director was WAY unhappy with the makeup—he came in, took one look and said, “Where’s the person we saw at the auditions?????” Made her go back and take a lot of it off/redo it. I think it being the first job I booked, and kind of proof to both me and the agent that I COULD book, and getting that first check, were really nice… and the attention when it aired… I felt like a celebrity for quite a while!
Mara: Describe one of your best moments teaching.>>
Actorgirl: Hearing from other teachers or parents, “I’ve noticed Johnny/Suzy doing this or that (strategies I’ve taught them),” or, “Johnny/Suzy said we already did this in Ms. X’s class!” Or even better, “We did such-and-such in Mrs. X’s class and I already knew how to do it!” I LOVE to see them gaining confidence, and showing them through the year what progress they’ve made. They really don’t realize and sometimes if you say to them, “Do you feel you’re doing better?” they will be unsure, but then you show them work or a pre-test from the beginning and show them their improvement on the post-test, and they are blown away! J I LOVE that!
Mara: Describe your ‘furbabies’ and what makes each one special.
Actorgirl: My solid black one– she chose me, too. We had always had dogs growing up, but when I moved out, we couldn’t have one in the apartment, so I decided to get a cat. So we went to the Humane Society, and there was this little scrawny SOLID BLACK critter that meowed constantly, and put out her paw to me. I would (as an appropriately superstitious actor) have NEVER believed I’d have a solid black cat, and she, at 8 weeks old, had had her back legs broken (they never were straight), and been shot with bbs. I was told by my roommate not to take her, because she meowed so much. But, she became mine, and she really was a one-person cat. She slept with me every night, and would run from anyone else, but loved nothing more than riding around on my shoulder. As she got older, she got better with people, but she was most definitely MINE, and would only let one or two other people EVER hold her.
Gray and white– um, well, she was a surprise. My sister had found a pregnant stray on a driving trip, so she brought her home. A few weeks later, she and a friend knocked on my door, said, ‘Here,’ and out from her coat, the friend pulled a gray and white ball of fluff. She was a jumper (and still is, to some extent, although no jumping on the TOPS of doors– yes the TOP– I STILL don’t know how she managed that!), and doesn’t like to be held, but likes to be with people, curled up next to you. My cats are just not typical ’standoffish’ cats.
Orange tabby– well, I kind of explained what makes her special on the blog. She chose me She came up to me, decided she was coming home with me, and that was that. I knew that when she showed up she was there to help me, and that my little black furbaby wouldn’t be around for more than another year.—she was 15 at the time, had been ill, and crossed the Rainbow Bridge almost exactly a year later.
The orange one was also, despite, being so young, an EXCELLENT mama cat. She is a cuddler, as well, and purrs so loud that the vet often can’t hear her heartbeat. She loves to lay on my shoulder when I’m sitting down, and doesn’t mind at all being held/carried– in fact, she’d have that all day long if she could!! AND, as a female orange tabby, she’s apparently very rare, something I didn’t know until I tried finding homes for her kittens (who all looked EXACTLY like her). Plus, she provides hours of entertainment– she loves to have water from the tap, and will bug you until you turn it on– but HATES to get her fur wet, and can’t figure out WHY, when she sticks her head in it, the water suddenly goes away, and she feels wet!
Mara: What qualities make you a great friend?
Actorgirl: Hmmm… I guess that I am a good listener, and I enjoy doing things to help them. I also enjoy doing sometimes silly but fun things (like tying balloons to a friend’s mailbox on her birthday). J
Mara: They’re remaking a great movie, and casting you — what is the movie, what is the role?
Actorgirl: Wow!! This is a hard one, too…. I guess it would have to be Sound of Music, which is my favorite movie of all time, and I’m Maria (of course!)– OR, Chicago, and I’m Velma.
Mara: What was your best vacation ever?
Actorgirl: Hmmmmm….. I think there are two. When I was 15, my sister and I got to take our first flight ever to Florida. Our grandparents picked us up, and meanwhile, my mom, my aunt and my cousins were driving down. We visited my grandparents (I loved going down there– except if you took a walk you could never find your way back because all of the houses looked EXACTLY the same! I am not exaggerating), we went to Disney World, got to see Cape Kennedy (and got a charm for my charm bracelet) and then we all drove (in a VERY cramped with 5 people Datsun with no a/c!) back home. We had fun when we drove down to visit my grandparents– always stopped at the Stuckey’s, would usually stop at Stone Mountain.
The other one was when my sister, my mom and I drove up the east coast. We spent a lot of time on Rte 1, so we went through a lot of little towns, stopping along the way. We went up through Maine and into Canada…. and to the Tower in Toronto– they actually got me out (for about 10 seconds!!) on the plexiglass floor where you could stand and look down at the ground MANY, MANY, MANY stories below!! We had a WONDERFUL time.
Mara: What is one thing you would change about yourself?
Actorgirl: I’d be a better gift giver!!!!
No, seriously, it’s something I’ve worked hard on and think I HAVE changed, quite a bit. And that is, feeling that I have a RIGHT to attempt what I want to do. My biggest regret is that, although I got a scholarship to the local university (which made things much easier on my mom financially), and early admission, I never even really thought about applying to other colleges… I never really thought I would be able to make it happen– I figured I either wouldn’t be able to afford it (without even attempting to find out about financial aid) or wouldn’t get in. I often just did what was expected, or didn’t attempt to reach goals that seemed ‘too far away.” I am changing that!!!!
Mara: What is the best gift you’ve ever gotten?
Actorgirl: The very first play I did in college. We gave each other gifts when it closed… and we were all absolutely devastated at the end (I still feel that way, but I’ve learned to deal). A ‘Secret Gifter’ gave me a beautiful little wooden box, that was empty except for a lovely, hand-written poem about our experiences and how they had changed us and would remain with us forever. I still have it (paper included) sitting on my dresser… and I read it sometimes when I get down. It always makes me feel better.
Mara: What is the last book you read?
Actorgirl: James Patterson “The Quickie.” My boss gives them to me, and then I pass them on when I’ve finished. I’m not normally as thrilled with the books he writes with a co-author as the ones he writes by himself, but I really liked this one.
Mara: What’s your secret for surviving the early mornings?
Actorgirl: Hmm…. USED to be caffeine, but I had to give that up last year. So, now, it’s just getting up early enough to make sure that I’m not rushed, having everything ready the night before so I don’t have to think too much, and to be honest, as much as I complain about it, most days the drive is nice. I can use it to plan my day, just ‘veg out,’ and wake up.
Mara: What will you never write about in your blog?
Actorgirl: My kids. I’d never identify them, but I don’t feel it’s right to write about them without their (and their parents’) permission. It would feel like a violation of their privacy.
Mara: What possessed you to let a total stranger interview you?
Actorgirl: I have no idea!! I read about it on Schmutzie’s blog, decided to go check it out, and before I knew it, I was clicking ’send’ and signing up!!! I had a great time coming up with answers, AND coming up with questions for Dan.
So a little lighter and willing to start pruning my hair and the list of things I am feeling guilty for neglecting, I am ready to proceed.
