Aodan’s Birthday

So, about five or six years ago I realized how much I hated throwing kids’ birthday parties. I am generally not a party person, something that won’t surprise you if you have read this blog for any length of time; I am not antisocial, I just like socializing that’s more one-on-one and idea-exchanging or at least more directed than small talk. Kids parties are worse. The birthday child is often in the midst of expectations that are all but unmeetable, other kids, particularly siblings are jealous and envious and not at their best. All of them are under the influence of too much sugar. The gift thing is the occasion of all sorts of anxiety and awkwardness, as kids are mostly too honest to be gracious about the things that aren’t what they wanted. The funniest birthday party I ever went to had the birthday boy throwing himself down, full-body spread eagled over the candy that had come spilling out of the pinata, and that just sort of embodies everything I don’t like about these things. I’ve made game attempts, the year Aodán was seven, he was put, a week before his birthday,four weeks into school, into a second grade class, bumped up from his first grade class, and we really had no idea whom to invite to his birthday party, but passed out maybe ten invitations to kids in the first grade and ten to kids in the second grade, got no RSVP’s and had two kids show up at the skating rink where the party was. That felt horrible.

What, then, to devote my party-throwing energy to instead? I somehow came up with the idea of the treasure hunt for a birthday gift, right after school, during the long wait for their dad to come home and the birthday dinner, cake and other presents. This has become a tradition and an expectation, only I feel compelled to sort of out-do myself each year. It started with rhyming couplet riddle clues and proceeded to puzzle clues with mirror writing and locations hidden in word finds or by solving mazes. Then the musical playlist where each song suggested where the next clue would be. An elaborately drawn comic book featuring the birthday boy with each page hinting where to find the next clue/page. Clues rolled up and put into helium balloons. It’s gotten a bit out of hand, but I still had to do it this year since I’ve spent the last two days in art classes from 9 am until 9:30 at night and will be in another tomorrow from 9 to 4. So, I got home tonight and wrote Aodán a choose-your-own-adventure treasure hunt based on the books Raven and I remember from our 1980′s childhoods, and the first clue is an envelope taped to the frame of the top bunk of their bunk bed.

Of course, I am so proud of myself I have to share it with you.

Aodán’s Choose Your Own Adventure Treasure Hunt

You wake up and smile, remembering it is your eleventh birthday and you know eleven is special. Look what happened to Harry Potter on his 11th birthday! And the hobbits especially celebrate eleventy-eleven. So even through your mom has stupidly booked herself for an art class all day today and you have orchestra this morning, you still know it is going to be a special day. You yawn. You stretch. You open your eyes. And blink and try opening them again. Still there. A pair of eyes peering out from a dark mask. There is a ninja hanging down from the top bunk! He motions for you to stay silent and passes you a note that reads:

The Secret Order of the Brotherhood of the Black Guard of the Ancient Dragon of the Red Hand requires your assistance. We are racing against a band of scoundrel pirates to find treasure concealed in your house.

If you are willing to help the ninjas, look for the next clue behind the ketchup.

If you would prefer to go find the pirates, and offer them your assistance, look for your next clue under the bathtub.

(taped to the back of the ketchup)

You love ninjas. Of course you want to help the ninjas. Only a fool would trust a pirate. You nod your agreement and the ninja steals to the doorway, peering up and down the hall.

You don’t hear him drawing his sword, you just see the quick flash of light glinting off of it, and the grunt of a surprised and clearly inebriated pirate who has just had his heart carved out of his chest before he even noticed the ninja behind him. The ninja tells you to duck, and he throws a shuriken that whizzes over your left shoulder and lodges in the chest of the pirate climbing out from under your bed. The pirate starts whimpering and runs out the back door.

Satisfied that the coast is now clear, the ninja explains to you that the secret legend of the treasure of the Turquoise Dragon has been passed along within the brotherhood and you are the first outsider who has been allowed to hear it, but that’s ok because the prophecy and the Sacred Magic Eight Ball told them you were the one who would help them find the treasure. First, though, he needs to know if you believe in prophecy.

If you tell him you do, look for your next clue in the toolbox.

If you tell him you do not, look for your next clue in you underwear drawer.

(under the bathtub)

You shake your head no at the ninja , and he hisses with displeasure and disappears silently, swinging on a rope out your window. You stumble out to the hall where a pirate smelling of rum hails you:

“Avast, ye scurvy dog, can ye tell me where the treasure is hidden?”

You answer:

“I don’t know but I’d love to help. I’ve always been a big fan of pirates.”

He scowls with displeasure.

“Ye’d just be one more wanting a share of the treasure, making my share smaller. I don’t think so, dog!”

And he pulls out his cutlass and slashes your throat.

You have learned a valuable lesson about never trusting a pirate, but alas, it is too late. You are bleeding to death in the hall, just inches from the band-aids and salvation, and it is the worst birthday ever.

(in the toolbox)

“Oh, I am a believer!” you cry out.

The ninja cocks a skeptical eyebrow and then starts explaining the legend to you.

“It is believed that on the eleventh anniversary of the birth of an incredibly gorgeous baby boy in a city on the Vltava, this boy will be living in a red house in a state with lots of very tall trees somewhere north of South America. The boy will be known by his one-eyed cat and the way he plays the ‘cello. Somewhere in this small red house a treasure lies waiting for the ninja with the stealth and cunning to outwit the barbarian pirates also trying to get to it. The treasure will bring joy to the boy and his brother.”

“His brother?” you think.

If you decide to interrupt the ninja and ask about this, look for your next clue in the cat food.

If you decide to listen patiently, look for your next clue in your ‘cello case.

(in the underwear drawer)

“Sorry,” you say, “but we are in charge of our own destinies. It’s silly to believe that what a person is going to do could have been foretold centuries ago. Like, watch, I could sneeze. See? Ahh–Choo! You didn’t predict that, did you?”

“Ah,” says the ninja, “I am so sorry to have bothered you. You clearly are not the boy of the legendary prophecy. He sneezes twice when introduced to the brotherhood. I will be on my way now. Have a happy birthday!”

If you call out “Wait!” and sneeze again, even if you have to fake it, find your next clue in the toolbox.

If you still scoff at the prophecy, have a happy birthday, your treasure hunt is over. Done. That’s it. No prize.

(in the cat food container)

“Darn it!” you exclaim. “It’s my birthday. Mine, mine, mine. Why would I want something I had to share with my brother?”

“Ah, don’t like sharing?” asks the ninja. “You should have been a pirate. My business with you is done.”

It turns out to be rather a boring birthday. Oh, well. Maybe twelve will be better.

(in the ‘cello case)

“It is also, foretold, in the legend that the boy will be one who is the kindest, most generous and wise of older brothers. He will be one who has realized that by sharing the things he has with his brothers, he gets greater joy from them. and the friendship and admiration of his younger brothers, who look up to him, will be among his most treasured possessions.”

You smile. You nod. You know you are the boy in the prophecy.

“So what do we have to do to get to the treasure?” you ask.

“I am so glad you asked,” says the ninja. “First we must test your courage.”

If you are willing to have your courage tested, look for your next clue behind the television.

If this is not acceptable, look for your next clue behind the toilet.

(behind the television)

You steel up your nerve. Well, that’s what courage is, isn’t it?

“I am ready,” you tell the ninja.

He laughs, “I was kidding about that. Actually what we really need is something to drink. I am thirsty. What do you have to drink?”

If you decide to offer the ninja juice, look in the capri sun box.

If you decide to offer the ninja water, look under the water pitcher.

(behind the toilet)

“A test!” you exclaim. “Nobody told me there would be a test! Will it be scary? What if I get hurt? Maybe there is some other way to get the treasure?”

“Ah, a coward?” asks the ninja. “You should have been a pirate. My business with you is done.”

It turns out to be rather a boring birthday. Oh, well. Maybe twelve will be better.

(in the capri sun box)
“Ah, what a refreshing drink,” the ninja sighs, in satisfaction. “Now here is the part of the legend that has the whole brotherhood confused. It says that the red house will have recently acquired a wondrous machine that makes wet garments dry. But the treasure is not there. The treasure rests in that which the machine has replaced. Does this make any sense to you?”

“Oh!” you exclaim. “It does.”

And you go racing off to find…

(under the water pitcher)

“Ah, what a refreshing drink,” the ninja sighs, in satisfaction. “Now here is the part of the legend that has the whole brotherhood confused. It says that the red house will have recently acquired a wondrous machine that makes wet garments dry. But the treasure is not there. The treasure rests in that which the machine has replaced. Does this make any sense to you?”

“Oh!” you exclaim. “It does.”

And you go racing off to find…

(in the old dryer, on a gift)

You have ripped the wrapping paper off the present hiding in the dryer. Hmmm, a game, you think. Could be fun. Especially with Xander to play with. But the ninja bows to you.
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“You have found the legendary treasure, this precious paper. The brotherhood wishes to express its great gratitude and hopes that you will accept, as a token of our appreciation for help us recover this treasure, the object that it was wrapped around.”

And with that, he tucks the paper beneath his tunic, and does a backflip up the basement stairs and out of your life… for now.