My Favorite Son
September 1st, 2004
playing.
were rushing through the grocery store trying to get what we needed for dinner
bought before it was time to go pick up Aod‡n and Xander, so I had a grumpy
S¿ren with me, and Rainer peaking out of the sling. The cashier was trying
to make S¿ren smile, and that just wasn’t happening, as three other
strangers we’d encountered on various other errands today had also failed. So
this woman asks my 22 month old son, “Did your baby brother replace you?” I am
hoping that was over his head, though I am often startled by what he does
understand. This woman then proceeds to tell me about her granddaughter who
hits the baby because she is jealous and my tongue was swollen from how I was
biting it not commenting on her family dynamics. And I didn’t tell her that
S¿ren has startled me by how little jealousy he has shown — we enjoy the
time we have together, but he is also basking in affection from lots of my
friends and showing more self-sufficiency, playing by himself and being patient
when I can’t get to his needs right away. Our transition to family of six has
been much easier than I’d ever have dared to
dream.
I don’t mean to sound
unrealistic. Sibling rivalry is going to exist. I know too many sad stories of
adults still carrying around bitterness about the unfairness of their own
childhoods, too many parents trying to treat their kids the same to show they
love them equally. I felt pangs of jealousy of my sister even as an adult, and
I don’t think I half understood how my parents could claim to love me and my
sister equally until my second son was born.
Actually I shocked Raven yesterday
when he was asking how Xander and I were doing — there is a lot of stress there
because Xander is so dreamy and I can’t always figure out how to motivate him to
move as quickly as I need him to — and I answered “But he’s my favorite, you
know.” And I know how hideous that sounds, only Aod‡n is also my favorite,
and in a completely different way so is S¿ren, and so is Rainer. Each of
them has claim to completely different real estate in my soul, Anyway, I don’t
think I’ll use the word “favorite” with my boys, and will continue responding to
any charges of unfairness with “Don’t you have everything you need? Haven’t you
always gotten what you needed? Shouldn’t I do the same for your
brother?”
My own personal growth has
included the realization that I have wasted way too much of my life keeping
track of what other people have that I don’t, and realizing that envy is
blasphemy, that somehow it’s not trusting that God’s goodness is big enough to
take care of all of us. Marriage became a much happier thing when I stopped
trying to figure out which of us was putting in more or getting more — there’s
no calculus for that. And I am working to extend that throughout my whole life.
So if I don’t always work on making sure my children are getting exactly equal
treatment because I trust that my love for each of them is beyond measure and so
incomparable, and because I know things will come out even in the end, maybe
that will give them a head start on this bigger realization?
