Crush
< div>Do you remember your first?
sort of thing, that you don’t read about in any books or even hear about
anecdotally, came when Aodán was five and he developed a crush on a
little girl in his preschool class — he would come home and talk about how Leah
had worn her hair in pigtails that day and how much he liked it. His feelings
clearly went beyond the friendship he felt with many children (not too mention
his sheer solipsistic obliviousness to the existence of many others). He was
despondent on the days she didn’t come to school, joyful on the days he got to
go to her house and play. And since he was the only little boy in the class I
was aware of doing this (co-op preschool, I get to work in the classroom and
observe many interactions), I chalked it up to the idiosyncratic individuality
that is my child, and watched with interest the anticipation, joy, and agony
this friendship brought to his life even though it wasn’t, obviously, a
relationship that was “going” anywhere — he and this girl went on to different
elementary schools and have not seen each other in more than a year and it
wasn’t too dramatic an ending. However, yesterday, Xander, on the ride home from
school sighed rather histrionically and told me what a beautiful person Lily, in
his art class, was.
What interests me
is that this seems to be so innate — Raven and I are not overtly,
demonstratively romantic, and the kids’ access to media is monitored closely
enough that I don’t think it’s coming from television or movies. Also, it’s
interesting seeing what I believe are romantic feelings relatively innocent of
any sexual ones.
I am occasionally
startled when Xander does things on almost the exact same timeline as
Aodán. I am so used to seeing the differences between them, rather than
the similarities. So it will be interesting to watch this year and see if Lily
is the next Leah in our lives. I am aware of my own mixed feelings — it’s an
odd if inevitable sensation being displaced as the center of your son’s
universe, and I want him to have the joy of this friendship without any pain,
and not to lose his innocence. It’s rather bewildering to wonder what qualities
in a girl make her the one when you’re five — they don’t get crushes on the
little girls I would choose. I feel fiercely protective of their feelings, the
unembarrassed adoration, touched by their small overtures out of that natural
self-centeredness of small children.
