Always On My Mind
< div>What if we have nothing to regret but regret
itself?
trying to get to know better is what things they fear the most. It is a sure
sign that I read too much of a certain tragic genre or have too big a soft spot
for that Willie Nelson song,
that one of my biggest fears is regret.
The flip side of being very grateful
for the blessings in my life is that I am aware of how much I have to lose.
Aside from the mommy superpower of being able to walk into a room and see every
possible, attractive danger lurking for my children (PLEASE don’t climb those
bookshelves, sweetheart!) the everpresent awareness of the potential for loss is
manifested in my life as a weird guilt every time I yell at my kids. I fear
this literary realization of my failure to appreciate what I have, that one day
I’ll be sighing “Why did I yell at them for making a mess? If only I had my
small children in my house making messes again!” Or a spasm of irritation and
frustration when Søren has a particularly needy day, keeping me from
doing what I want, is accompanied by the awareness that babyhood passes quickly
and I am going to miss having a baby to
hold.
Counting my
blessings:
I think that fearing regret may offer
some useful perspective when I am struggling with the frustrations of this hour,
but it can grow bigger than my gratitude for what I have, because ultimately it
means not living in the present. Guilt is a little sign that I need to change
something in my life, but it’s a painful way to live, because undealt with, it
only compounds frustration. This weird fear of future regret gets in the way
sometimes of just honestly acknowledging that mothering three little boys (or
mothering period) is dreadfully difficult. Anticipation of future regret is
itself regrettable. So there is an exercise in letting go.
I know I will miss holding
Søren as a baby, just as I will miss Xander’s often astute four-year-old
insights into the world, or Aodán buoyant self-confidence, but that
feeling is matched by excitement at seeing the individuals emerging fin my
children, my joy that they are growing into people I really like.
Now, maybe I should read something
lighter so I don’t go envisioning myself as some tragic heroine…
